Thursday, May 17, 2012

happy mothers day

mothers day presents a myriad of emotions in me, a rollercoaster of extremes.  i am undoubtedly blessed beyond measure by my three adorables who made me into a mommy, yet i am devestated by the state of affairs my relaitonship with my own mother.  the days and weeks leading up to mothers day reminds me of things i never experienced with my mom, with needs left unmet and longings lasting a lifetime.  alongside those feelings of despair i experience a joy unmatched as i marvel at the three cuties that call me mommy. 

my nights recently have been spent carefully considering my actions towards my children during the day, ensuring that there were no similarities between me and my mother's damaging choices.  do the darlings feel cherished and treasured?  do they know i would do anything and everything for them?  did max get enough guided practice with his letters and numbers today?  was i too short with bear as he fought me about dinner?  did ayla jo get snuggled and loved enough today? 

i grudgingly acknowledge that my mother did what she was able to do, gave what she was able.  but giving her credit is difficult.  because so much was left undone.  so much burden was on me and my siblings.  so much pain has been borne from her addiction. 

so i puruse the cards and creatively conjure ways of altering them so they would fit for my mother.  "you are a great mom" becomes, "you are a great mom".  becuase even with her efforts, she still passed out drunk every night between 6 and 7 pm and that is not great mothering.

when i consider receiving these cards from my own kids i am equally as heartbroken for it is impossible to live up to those cards praising perfection in mothering. 

after days upon days of struggle and frustration and pain renewed, mothers day blessed me with solace and encouragement and affirmation.

brad and beans teamed up to provide me with a day of fun leaving me feeling honored and loved. 

my ever impressive little sis gifted me with a day of fun with her by my side.  she arranged for us to see hunger games, just the two of us.  we went from the theater to the salon where melanie chopped 8 inches from my tresses.  our hair was dryed side by side, and then i got a makeover.  next beans and austin watched my fabulous three so i could date my hubs for the night.

meggles took the opportunity to pour into my heart and soul with her love and admiration.  brad dedicated a day of daddy to the littles and a night of intentional words of recognition and appreciation and love.  between those two, there was a lot of love and celebration.  of me. 

typing this i am tearing up.  sorry that my sis and hubs have the additional burden of soothing my harsh doubts and criticisms about myself that i cling tightly to when it comes to being a mommy.  incredibley grateful for how jesus so lovingly meets my deepest needs through brad and beans on mothers day, for it was a life giving experience.

now, there are a few memories i would like to share from sunday's festivities.  they add reality to the meaningful words i have already written.

1.  after the earlr service at ridge, we partook of a little mcdonalds breakfast.  thank you bradley!  while there, bear had approximatel 76 meltdowns over his shoes (one of which he threw), the size of the pancakes (which brad had carefully trimmed to his desired specifications), and the lack of breakfast happy meals.  at one point during our 3 minute meal, i told maxer that he was the one that made me a mommy, before him i was not a mom.  bear looked over at me and demanded "well who were you then?"  thankfully i had mere moments to contemplate my answer.

2.  we also stopped in at family farm and ranch or something.  a new store next to engedi church.  baby blue found a little plastic kitty near the toy tractors.  we were looking there for a few seconds before heading outside to let daddy buy the strawberry plants and his i love chickens shirt.  once outside, i noticed cupcake still was gripping that toy.  i rushed back in the store with the $2.99 worth of cat held out before me to ward of an arrest.  when i got back to the veen, my boys were very concerned the police were on their way. 
i believe cupcake is holding the kitten in her hand right here. 

the remainder of the day was spent contentedly basking in the sun with good friends and unsuccessfully fishing with grandma and grandpa lampen. 

so blessed to be a mommy each and every day.

1 comment:

  1. Lyndsey, you are worthy of celebration! I am so thankful to Brad and the adorables for letting us have some sister bonding time and for letting me be a part of your special mothers day.