Wednesday, January 15, 2014

waiting on baby

Here we are: 39 weeks  pregnant.

this is 37 wks actually,  the belly is way more bulging

I feel so absolutely crammed with emotions and baby these days.

During these final days and weeks of growing this absolutely precious life, memories flood my mind of meeting my older adorables. The beautiful moment of first setting my eyes on the little life that's been residing in my womb for such a long time creates such an overwhelming desire to cuddle with this new one. The typical discomfort accompanying the final stretch of pregnancy only adds to my sense of eagerness. Tonight, iam striving to savor while longing for deliverance.

Ann voskamp offered some insights into the beauty of experiencing late pregnancy alongside mary. As I longed for comfort from my distended belly, i recognized that being a dwelling place for my unborn baby is much like surrendering myself to be a dwelling place for the lord. my thoughts are consumed, my actions influenced by this overwhelming presence.  Waiting for deliverance as my due date approaches.

With less than a week to my due date, I am awfully impatient.  My body is weary. It has been stretched and stuffed and kicked and used in to provide sustenance for a baby four times and hasthat feels like too many.  my hips are stretched to make room, making me super sore ans wildy waddley. My ribs are aching and spread. My appetite is lost, my patience gone.

I feel my short temper with the adorables, their whines for attention drain me. Last night bear told me he was so disappointed in me and that I was breaking his heart because I told him he may not sleep over at grandma's unless he demonstrates a good attitude and obedience.  His tantrum left me weepy though of course today he recalls nothing and slays me with his sweetness in helping me with lifting the heavy milks at aldi. Added to the guilt of my current parenting skills, I just ran over kitty power without even knowing. Looks like her 9 lives were spent.

Tuesday evening I went to bed with contractions every 3 minutes. I spent the night timing, growing anxious and more excited as they continued.  Brad woke around 3 and found me recently out of the hot tub, contracting regularly.  We excitedly discussed if this could be the day as I determined not to have any false alarms, but promising to give myself enough time to get the full dosage of group b strep antibiotics.  After walking, and delivering boys to school, and squatting, and resting, and picking bear up, and making lunch I finally called the dr to get her advice. Consistent contractions, beyond eager mama, group b strep,not super painful. What to do? Come in she said!

So we did. Recalling the speed in which Weston was born, dilated from a 6 to holding my newborn in 20 mins, I packed the adorables for grandma's and away we went.

We only stayed away for a couple hours. Tho the monitor picked up on good, consistent contractions,  I had not progressed. So they sent us home.  Despite my pleases and continued stating of the facts.

I'm not coping very well. Typically,  I would not describe myself as prideful,  but this has left me feeling humiliated. This is my fourth time, how could I make such an inexperienced mistake?  I'm certain the nurses are still laughing about that loony mom. connie, my nurse, was nothing but sweet and gracious and a real advocate for us. She told me to take a sleeping pill and come back in the morning wink, wink. Her shift began again at 8, and she remembered me from delivering ayla and told me sI had a sweet nature. Unfortunately,  I only am acting and feeling sour.

Nothing is wrong. Baby and I are fine. Yet, I am acting a brat because I don't think its fair to be this pregnant with my 4th kid. Don't I deserve to go early this time? My expectations are not being met. God is not doing what I am asking of him in the exact way I am asking. Yes, I see the spoiled child whining at her daddy, refusing to accept that he truly does know best and have my best interest and that of my newbie at heart.  I don't like this person I am. This jesus user rather than basking in gratefulness for all the blessings the lord has swaddled me in as I hope to soon swaddle my newborn.

Thankful today for:
The blessing of hearing baby's strong heartbeat for over an hour last night as a reminder of what the sweet little life we get at the end of all this.

Another night snuggled with my fave 5, enjoying the last suppers as a fam of five

The love and anticipation shown us by friends and fam looking for news.

Brads attentive questions,  triying to understand my hormonally imbalanced thoughts and feelings.

Baby's active kicks and swirls and punches and crunches and hiccups.

Please lord, give me the grace toc endure this time waiting on baby.