all the action of arrival and anxiety over ayla jo's 4 pokes was starkly contrasted with the beautiful simplicity of hearing my baby is doing just perfectly. my little darling impressed and enchanted the room with her gabs, waves, smiles, and claps. aylaroo's growth and development are right on track and she is healthy. cannot ask for more from a well baby visit. thank you jesus!
celebrating over my cupcake's dr visit was just what my heart needed to mend from brokenness that overwhelmed me earlier in the week. wed morning aylaroo woke up and refused to nurse. she cried in fact when i attempted. armed with the knowledge that this is my last time for nursing a babe, i determined to really cherish this beautiful bond with my quickly growing daughter. headstrong already, ayla jo made her decision and was done.
i struggled and still struggle, hoping that it was just a phase and she would be right back to snuggling close for comfort and nutrition again the next feeding. but each attempt was met with protests and grief. what a difficulty it is for me to surrender! i tear up whenever i share this latest development. i am aching from being so full and from being so unnecessary in my baby girl's life. i know i am whining, i apologize. i know also that i am so fortunate to have nursed successfully for so long. this big milestone scares me, for this marks the time when my mom stopped really mothering. when her baby was grown enough not to depend on her so fully, she began to climb into her depression and addiction. though i do not feel any draw to either of those voids, i do feel that i have not witnessed in my own life a fab example of parenting older kids. god graciously provided families in my lifetime who are incredible parents to their beloved kids and i glean from watching them. still, my fear remains.
i surrender that fear. i surrender my weakness and selfish desires to continue breastfeeding a baby who no longer needs it. i surrender my feelings of inadequacy and hurt feelings. thank you lord jesus for taking from me these burdens. in this freedom i find joy and celebration and beauty.