Friday, September 2, 2011

rejoicing in the lord

this afternoon we are celebrating. nothing like the raucous night of partying at the park we experienced last night with my fam. rather, this rejoicing is the beautiful normalcy of lunchtime chaos at the meistes. we are praising the lord over leftover pizza and mac and cheese for his faithfulness in ayla jo's life.

this morning, very early, we went to the dr for baby girl's 1 year well child visit. for some reason, i thought that having the first appt of the day would be a grand idea. so there i was, awakening my babies one after another and carrying them to the veen with promises of donuts to appease their whines.

ladies and gentlemen, we were on the road at 7:30. arriving at 7/11 around 7:45, and in to the office right on time, 7:55. that in itself is a miracle.

while pulling child after adorable child from the veen, i happened to notice weston's apparel. all kids went to bed with their clothes on so we could just get up and go, but bear's jammy outfit slipped past my critical fashionista eye. he paired a collared lightening mcqueen shirt with blue jersey sport shorts. reminded me lots of my uncle mick who adhered to a strict comfortable pant with button down shirt dress code during my entire stint employed at vogelzang hardware. interesting. and another thing. since when does bear have two pairs of crocs the exact size and color? i brought two left feet shoes and he would not wear them on his right foot. this from the boy that only wears them on the wrong feet typically. drama

all the action of arrival and anxiety over ayla jo's 4 pokes was starkly contrasted with the beautiful simplicity of hearing my baby is doing just perfectly. my little darling impressed and enchanted the room with her gabs, waves, smiles, and claps. aylaroo's growth and development are right on track and she is healthy. cannot ask for more from a well baby visit. thank you jesus!

celebrating over my cupcake's dr visit was just what my heart needed to mend from brokenness that overwhelmed me earlier in the week. wed morning aylaroo woke up and refused to nurse. she cried in fact when i attempted. armed with the knowledge that this is my last time for nursing a babe, i determined to really cherish this beautiful bond with my quickly growing daughter. headstrong already, ayla jo made her decision and was done.

i struggled and still struggle, hoping that it was just a phase and she would be right back to snuggling close for comfort and nutrition again the next feeding. but each attempt was met with protests and grief. what a difficulty it is for me to surrender! i tear up whenever i share this latest development. i am aching from being so full and from being so unnecessary in my baby girl's life. i know i am whining, i apologize. i know also that i am so fortunate to have nursed successfully for so long. this big milestone scares me, for this marks the time when my mom stopped really mothering. when her baby was grown enough not to depend on her so fully, she began to climb into her depression and addiction. though i do not feel any draw to either of those voids, i do feel that i have not witnessed in my own life a fab example of parenting older kids. god graciously provided families in my lifetime who are incredible parents to their beloved kids and i glean from watching them. still, my fear remains.

i surrender that fear. i surrender my weakness and selfish desires to continue breastfeeding a baby who no longer needs it. i surrender my feelings of inadequacy and hurt feelings. thank you lord jesus for taking from me these burdens. in this freedom i find joy and celebration and beauty.

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