waiting on baby

Here we are: 39 weeks  pregnant.

this is 37 wks actually,  the belly is way more bulging

I feel so absolutely crammed with emotions and baby these days.

During these final days and weeks of growing this absolutely precious life, memories flood my mind of meeting my older adorables. The beautiful moment of first setting my eyes on the little life that's been residing in my womb for such a long time creates such an overwhelming desire to cuddle with this new one. The typical discomfort accompanying the final stretch of pregnancy only adds to my sense of eagerness. Tonight, iam striving to savor while longing for deliverance.

Ann voskamp offered some insights into the beauty of experiencing late pregnancy alongside mary. As I longed for comfort from my distended belly, i recognized that being a dwelling place for my unborn baby is much like surrendering myself to be a dwelling place for the lord. my thoughts are consumed, my actions influenced by this overwhelming presence.  Waiting for deliverance as my due date approaches.

With less than a week to my due date, I am awfully impatient.  My body is weary. It has been stretched and stuffed and kicked and used in to provide sustenance for a baby four times and hasthat feels like too many.  my hips are stretched to make room, making me super sore ans wildy waddley. My ribs are aching and spread. My appetite is lost, my patience gone.

I feel my short temper with the adorables, their whines for attention drain me. Last night bear told me he was so disappointed in me and that I was breaking his heart because I told him he may not sleep over at grandma's unless he demonstrates a good attitude and obedience.  His tantrum left me weepy though of course today he recalls nothing and slays me with his sweetness in helping me with lifting the heavy milks at aldi. Added to the guilt of my current parenting skills, I just ran over kitty power without even knowing. Looks like her 9 lives were spent.

Tuesday evening I went to bed with contractions every 3 minutes. I spent the night timing, growing anxious and more excited as they continued.  Brad woke around 3 and found me recently out of the hot tub, contracting regularly.  We excitedly discussed if this could be the day as I determined not to have any false alarms, but promising to give myself enough time to get the full dosage of group b strep antibiotics.  After walking, and delivering boys to school, and squatting, and resting, and picking bear up, and making lunch I finally called the dr to get her advice. Consistent contractions, beyond eager mama, group b strep,not super painful. What to do? Come in she said!

So we did. Recalling the speed in which Weston was born, dilated from a 6 to holding my newborn in 20 mins, I packed the adorables for grandma's and away we went.

We only stayed away for a couple hours. Tho the monitor picked up on good, consistent contractions,  I had not progressed. So they sent us home.  Despite my pleases and continued stating of the facts.

I'm not coping very well. Typically,  I would not describe myself as prideful,  but this has left me feeling humiliated. This is my fourth time, how could I make such an inexperienced mistake?  I'm certain the nurses are still laughing about that loony mom. connie, my nurse, was nothing but sweet and gracious and a real advocate for us. She told me to take a sleeping pill and come back in the morning wink, wink. Her shift began again at 8, and she remembered me from delivering ayla and told me sI had a sweet nature. Unfortunately,  I only am acting and feeling sour.

Nothing is wrong. Baby and I are fine. Yet, I am acting a brat because I don't think its fair to be this pregnant with my 4th kid. Don't I deserve to go early this time? My expectations are not being met. God is not doing what I am asking of him in the exact way I am asking. Yes, I see the spoiled child whining at her daddy, refusing to accept that he truly does know best and have my best interest and that of my newbie at heart.  I don't like this person I am. This jesus user rather than basking in gratefulness for all the blessings the lord has swaddled me in as I hope to soon swaddle my newborn.

Thankful today for:
The blessing of hearing baby's strong heartbeat for over an hour last night as a reminder of what the sweet little life we get at the end of all this.

Another night snuggled with my fave 5, enjoying the last suppers as a fam of five

The love and anticipation shown us by friends and fam looking for news.

Brads attentive questions,  triying to understand my hormonally imbalanced thoughts and feelings.

Baby's active kicks and swirls and punches and crunches and hiccups.

Please lord, give me the grace toc endure this time waiting on baby.

7

So, unfortunately,  max seems to always havee the stomach flu right around his birthday. so sad to watch the big boy feel so miserable on such a special day, but this time of year just brings the pukes to our house! Brad arrived home from hunting on Sunday morn and max began throwing up that night, so thankful for the parental support. poor Maxwell took 3 days to bounce back, so his birthday festivities were postponed a day.

True to my disorganized and distracted form, I had yet to purchase the birthday boys gift. so, I took all 3 adorables to meijer and covertly purchased a real bow and arrow set, some long underwear and some boxers for the 7 year old along w/ some groceries.  Honestly,  maybe it was the illness,  but max was totally surprised and happy with his gifts when I presented them wrapped later that evening.

bear tried super hard to be excited for his bro, but really wanted it to be his birthday. In  fact, when max stayed home from school againon wednesday,  wes says, "Well, i guess his birthday is canceled"



We waited untilmax man was feeling much improved to celebrate out on the town, but his teacher made special arrangements to call during class on maxers actual birthday.  His whole class got on speaker and sang happy birthday.  The smile that appeared on Maxwell's face was so precious.  I cried.

The following day brought healing,  so we partied hard in celebration. Max chose bowling for his birthday activity,  and all were completely entertained.

selfie of the proud parents

the boys were super sweet at helping ayla get her bowl on.

brad schooled the boys in the finer points of scoring in the 3 figures ;)

i brought my own ball, baby 

we finishhed the night off with some Wendy's and felt the oldest had been properly recognized and honored.

Maxwell,  you are such an awesome son. You made me a mama, and I am forever grateful.  You have matured so much this year, and have maintained your thoughtful and sweet nature. you have recently begun experiencing release time at sandyview which involves taking students by bus to a local church where they a re presented with some cool and applicable bible teaching.  Some kids in your class have chosen notto participate, , and even spoken things aloud against king Jesus. max, you made us so proud by bringing the conversation to our attention so we could address how badly that little boy's life needs god and how you can share  the lord with him. what a privilege it is to raise u.

Lord jesus, equip our oldest with courage and strength to live a life filled with christ so he will emulate jesus' love to the world. Protect Maxwell from harm and bless him profusely this year. Grant him the hope and joy that comes only from knowing you.

deer camp

While Bradley ventured into the wilderness in a valiant attempt to feed his hungry family,  the adorables and I had some adventures of our own. I am the first to admit that my favorite times are the times when the whole fam is together.  Doesn't matter the activity,  if ita a day trip to cabelas or a dinner at 'donalds, I just adore our time as 5. So deer camp typically comes with a tiny bit of crabby as brad goes off with nary a responsibility and I am the sole parent for days on end. I absolutely rely on my husband,  so when he takes some well deserved time away, I miss him beyond words. like, I miss being together,  but I also miss his comic relief,  bedtime assistance,  consistent and real perspective,  his support,  and his pep talks.

Brad, the kind hearted, and observant dude that he is, recognizes my neediness and sacrifice and really expressed his desire for the rest of the fam to have some fun too. And we totally did. I truly cherished the fun time, me and my brood.  Keeping the expectations for my productivity low, I solely focused on savoring my cutes.

The first night, we picked Maxwell up at school and went directly to chuck e cheeses.  anticipation was extremely high for this event. We were gifted some chuck e cheeses gift cards months ago and saved them expressly for such a time as this. As we arrived wed afternoon,  the place was ours for a good hour, then some birthday parties began and things got crazy. So we cashed in our tickets for some candy, tattoos, itty bitty frogs, and jewelry. max got to choose the dinner location: arbys.

As we were so super close to gap outlet,  and it had literally been years since my last visit,  I loaded the veen and away we went to shop. Once my arms were laden with possibilities,  max asked to use the restroom. Well, the only potty is outdoors , down a long and lonely hallway far far away. So I ditched the cuteness in my hands and drove the babes, who by now all had to poop, back to arbys where we took over that bathroom.  Awesome.

Thursday we planned to spend some of the birthday money gifted to the children from their great grandparents.  This mission of fun required a stop at family farm and ranch where the boys found some very great semi trucks. Ayla settled on a black horse, but begged a stop at target for princess luna, a pony blue can actually color. Who am I to deny my cupcake a trip to target for a color pony?! so we spent some time there as well. And bear chose McDonald's for dinner. Again with the poopapalooza, but this time we were still at the restaurant. bonus.

The bad news, each darling chose different times to feel the need. I quickly snuck off with bear to the potty while max manned the table and sister. I returned to find some random chatting with Aylaroo about princess luna. Goodbye creeper and lesson learned for the mama.

Throughout the week, I had been working with meggles in an attempt to procure a hotel room for the kids and I at a reasonable cost. I knew we would just so enjoy the little getaway, but was unwilling to pay the full $100 plus asking price for an area room. Well, auntie beans came through via a coworker from fettig past. When I picked the boys up from school Friday we were packed and I made the announcement.  Actually the little girl made the announcement by screaming surprise to max the moment we saw him line up.  he was surprised,  but not by the activity,  just the yelling.

We eagerly checked in and got comfy in our amazing room which included a fireplace!

Soon we were changed and swimming.  Well, I was entertained poolside by the most presh swimmers ever. Both times we swam,  we were the onlies there. Such a fun vacation!

Mama chose russ' for supper and by the time we were back at the hotel, all were exhausted.

 I snuggled the little lovies all into bed, turned on the fireplace,  and was sleeping before my own head hit the pillow. Which was marvelous because I think we were the first in the hotel to awaken and head down to the breakfast buffet.  It was nutritious and delicious.  While the adorables focused on cereal and donuts,  baby and I indulged in a beautifully made belgian waffle complete with strawberries and whip. Yum. During the baking process,  ayla jo poured out her milk into her cereal and the table and the floor. I was blissfully unaware until another guest informed me of cupcakes spill. Well. Thanks.

We went back to the luxurious room to change into our suits and the spent some more time in the water.

Hot tubbin

monster trucks poolside

Ayla gave her pony swimming lessons

somehow the gear  enhances his adorableness

super nice to enjoy some down time as the kids are so independent and capable swimmers

baby blue would throw her pony into the pool and her brothers would rescue it for her. Cute

Eventually other people came to swim and my kids seemed a bit offended the public would use their pool.  we packed it up and 38 loads to the van later were on our way home.


Saturday evening, I called in the reinforcements and wrangled the babes to prepare  for church.

clearly the three were desperate for some male attention. Thankfully uncle auatin was up tothechallenge.

 We were blessed by the service,  and the community of other hunters widows and kids galore. So thankful for auntie beans and uncle Austin,  for drinks were spilled, and children were overtired and unruly.


As soon as we arrived home, I tucked the darlings in and we all slept well knowing daddy was coming home tomorrow.  Oh, how we missed him! So thankful for our amazing daddy and fabulous husband to lead our home. Welcome home babe!

birthday boys

Celebrating two of my fave boys the same time of year  that we savor gratefulness seems absolutely fitting. first up to be recognized as birthday boy is Bradley.  he almost shared his special day with his first born son. Maxwell was due on brads birthday, though he did not make his appearance until a week , later. Not something I enjoy recalling when 8 months ppreggers with baby number 4.  regardless,  this is about brad, the 36 year old birthday boy.

Unfortunately for the fam, brad typically departs for deer camp on his big day. therefore we must party the night before,  which is like a fiesta and packing frenzy all rolled into one. this year, brad took care of his own bday present, a new gun. truth be told, i really planned to purchase one as a surprise, but was concerned about the legality of buying someone else a firearm.  thus being his own birthday shopper was beneficial for everyone. the adorables and i desired for brad to have something to open, so when he mentioned that imitation vanilla extract is trending as the best deer attractant, we knew what we had to do.

After dropping off the oldest off at school,  the youngers and I started on a quest to find some cheap imitation vanilla without alcohol,  and a gun sling. Brad totally specifically requested each of his birthday gifts,  but I am totally okay with not  having the burden of choosing a creative and beautiful gift symbolizing all the adoration I feel for my man. Babe knows I so desperately love him, so feel free to hand over the gift list and I will do everything in my power to make those birthday dreams come true. Unfortunately,  brads tiny list resulted in a full morn.

Because obviously target's imitation vanilla has alcohol, and aldi only has pure vanilla extract. Meijer provided the perfect vanilla, and some mt dew to wrap, and a gun sling for the new gun, and some musical cards. That's pretty much all a man needs for for an amazing birthday.

The adorables had a lot of fun assisting in the wrapping of the presents, though there was a bit of a fight over who got to give brad what. No one was as excited as Bradley regarding the vanilla.  Somehow we managed to make it until 4pm, daddy's arrival time at home,  without destroying the gifts or one another.  Brad poked his head in the door, and we bombarded him with happy birthday's and ayla whispered,  we got you a sling shot! Well, we are not good at secrets around here. She was referring to the gun sling and brad was officially aware of all his gifts other than the musical cards which, lets face it, cost as much as a real present anyway.

We quickly feasted on birthday omelets. (what do u expect from a poultry farmer?) Then commenced the gifts. The $75 I spent on singing cards was totally worth it. Brad, I am absolutely joking about the price. but it still would have been worth it, because as soon as they were opened, a dance party ensued.

Brad was the lead dancer,  and it was awesome. 

That reminds me, brad left the next morning for deer camp and visited a casino while away. That night, a company of male strippers  was also at the casino. I had concerns that brad would be drafted as the newest recruit of the thunder from down under 

I think these pics speak for themselves....

So brad. Happy birthday hhusband mine! I am so absolutely thankful for you babe. Your committment to me and your ever  growing fam is so beautiful. You are unwavering in your love for us, whether we are taking turns with a puke parade or celebrating birthdays, or pregnant to the pointof perpetual crabby. may you beblesed this year as you continue to blessmeand yoursoon to be4 adorable babeies. I am so honored to be by your side another year.

So, every year, around bradsbirthday, we remeber the  crazy night of his 30th surprise birthday party when A randome woman came to the door in the middle of the night with hertwo kids. Lady was drunk or high on something, and her kids were terrified Nd freezing. She told us she was running away from jeremiah, someman she had fought with ending in herbroken hand and her midnight escape. Ladg had no idea where she wasand asked us in a profane slew of words and stories to please bring her to south haven. I insisted we call the police, at which point shebolted from our home, dragging her frightenedkids along. Theytook off  through thefie, ds and the police came to find her and attempt helping her.

Well, we had heard that she was discovered and brought to a safe hluse in benton harbor, but nothing more beyomd that. Howeever, this year, brad attneded an event fewturing jason hanson and whatever organizationw he is partned with dedicated to helping families. While brad  listened to people's testimonies, a woman stood up to give hers. brad immediately got goosebumps as shebegan to describe some similar occurneces to our visitor 6 years ago. Though brad never got the opportunity to speak xirectly with rhis lady, we believe she was the one at our door. What a beautiful gift from the lord to get to hear her story of redemption!

meow

 One of my fave things about little hawks, is the fact that many other students live super close by. Now that's one of bears favorite things as well, especially since we adopted a kitty cat on the way home from dropping off one of his little neighbor buds. Ever since Weston's kitty, tiger, "went on vacation" last spring,  he has pleaded on and off for a replacement.  We failed at one attempt due to the major problem that the new ones were to meowy.

With new pups to distract bear this summer, his  demands were quieted. Recently, he has ramped up the kitten whining once more. So there we were, driving home, when I spotted a small gray cat on the corner of our field,  precariously close to the road. I stopped the veen and pointed the feline out to wes so he could appreciate the proximity and furry of the surprise sighting.

The moment I had the veen in park, bear somehow launched himself to the door and wrenched that thing open to catch a closer look at the cat. Well,  this cat must have come from a family.  Like a human family who frequently took kitty for rides in their vehicle. For  instantly that gray little bundle hopped into the veen and made itself comfy. Purring loudly,  it snuggled by bear as wes sat back down in his seat and buckled himself again saying,  "we r taking him home I guess! "

I felt that I had no choice but to comply. Once the cat, kids, and I arrived home, I set some rules. No cats in the house. If an adorable takes kitty into the garage or porch , the child is assuming responsibility for any and all accidental poops.  both babes agreed to my terms.

And theloving began.

I love this pic of  bear because his face is so innocent,  like huh, I don't know.... this kitten just wants to live here.

So, I am not a really huge animal lover? I maybe don't really keep track of which animals have food or water and which are going hungry. This is not a flagrant disregard as much as me just being so distracted feeding the humans among us that the animals are sometimes overlooked.  We are all thankful Bradley is the farmer or chickens and pigs would suffer. So, when brad returned from deer camp this Sunday,  he immediately observed that the new cat, named kitty power, looked awful. Once he mentioned that fact,  I took note and sure enough,  kitty power appears to be lacking in power. Woops.

One more Weston story completely unrelated: when out and about running errands,  we saw a homeless man with a sign asking for a job and stating his hunger. We were heading to Wendy's anyway,  so I purchased a few extra cheeseburgers and ran them over to this man. Bear questioned why I was giving that man our lunch and I gently explained that the stranger was  sadly without a home or food to eat. My emotions were running quite high as the hormones continue to course through my body at record amounts.  Bear was quiet on the ride home. As we pulled into the driveway,  a good 30 minutes later,  wes announces,  "mom! Remember that old house the Indians used to live in at my school? Maybe that homeless man could live there and hunt for his food!" Aw, buddy.  How precious that he was working on a solution and using what he knows to help that man. love that boy!

treats

The sugar high has been happening for days. Halloween was good to us.

Bopa invited us once again to his in office trick or treating event. We love this adventure as it is inside,  before the actual holiday so we don't have to wait so very long, and it provides some much needed entertainment while daddy wraps up harvest.  even though we got candy early,  the fun could not come soon enough,  especially for bear. The secret is to wait until mere mmoments before a fun experience before telling Weston about it. Otherwise he is tortured waiting for the activity.  For example,  we have discussed Christmas no less than 19 times. Today.

Clearly the anticipation was extreme. And rightly so, jci is very generous with the doling out of goodies. At the first stop, wes grabbed about as many peices of candy his two hands could hold. The lady distributing the goods was very taken aback at bear's assumptions and the resulting reprimand sort of polluted Weston' s night.

As the above ppicture shows, bear couldn't get a happy heart back.

The ladybug and soccer player had a super time.

Blues costume was especially endearing to me as when she was super tiny, and i could just get her cute little hairs into a form of pigtails, max and wes thought their sister looked like a little ladybug. the boys would call her that whenever i could get her hairs to stay in a piggy tail position. Aw. We have had some growth in the hair realm, but not a lot...

Maxwell decided upon the soccer stud ensemble after being inspired by his buddy dakota. Kota's mom put an adorable pic on instagram which i showed maxer and he immediately decided to follow dakota's lead. After maxwells amazing season this fall, i thought the decision an excellent one. Not sure if i mentioned maxers one goal. Though he is more of a defensive player and enjoyed being goalie, during one game, max booted the ball right into the goal from about half way between the mid field area and the goal. So proud!

Bear is the best spiderman ever. He really loved having his costume on, and takes saving things seriously. Some days, he plays this game where i place lots of stuffed animals high on couches and chairs and shelves, and bear drives his toy firetruck to rescue each individual animal. So cute. 

One more spooky story. We were recently reminded that maxwell is scared of heights. While brad was ramming around with the adorables, he proceeded to carry max upstairs on his shoulders. Maxer flipped out. He was terrified to be high up and over the steps.  That experience  generated lots of discussion about max. So bear decided he was also afraid of heights. To wes, the word heights encompassed a myriad of fears: going upstairs alone, the dark, being shy.  so the other day, ayla and weston went downstairs to collect some random craft aupplies and blue raced upsgtairs to scream, "there's heights down there!" Presh

echo take 2

Part of the Kawasaki syndromin treatment plan is to have follow up echocardiograms . We had the first one last week. This involved another trip to Helen devos children's hospital.    this also involved the brothers as they were home from school due to the conferences situation.  as you may have expected, none of the adorables were terribly excited at the prospect of driving to gr for a drs appt.

Brad hatched the master plan to reward the babes with a trip to crazy bounce following the hospital.  Everyone was super excited about the crazy bounce portion of the day and promised to be on their best behavior.  their efforts were so preshie. And sometimes absolutely and genuinely helpful.

Maxwell had my phone and was seriously committed to his task of taking some pics of the parking lot  signage so I could relocate the veen after we completed the echocardiogram.  Bear repeatedly shouted,  "o, I hope I'm being good and listening to you mom! I'm trying so hard!" Well, the good news was he really did obey me with a happy heart most of the time. The bad news was that Weston did not recognize his own good behavior.  Hmm.  Ayla asked lots of questions,  and despite my reassuring answers regarding no pokes or hugs, she grew more agitated as we entered the hospital.  I totally don't blame her! Scary memories.

Due to my own panicky planning,  we arrived with plenty of time to spare. Once we were registered and equipped with the correct badges, I strolled the babes to the gift shop to look around and spend some of our extra time. Unfortunately,  we had more time than money,  so some of our extra time was used to explain why I would not be purchasing an $80 stuffed wolf for bear that day. We left without making a purchase,  and ventured upstairs for the main event.

In a determined effort to win the crazy bounce reward,  the brothers were so encouraging to Ayla as we checked in at the cardiologists office.  Everyone was distracted by the puffy stickers available there at the registration desk, so things were off to a happy start. we settled in at a cute little table in the waiting room and I took out the tablet to distract us all.

Didn't take long until our turn came. At the mention of her name, blue became very upset. As in terrified.  I began undressing her for the procedure and the hysterics escalated.  nurse ann seemed overwhelmed by this response despite her career as a pediatric ultrasoundist. finding nemo was playing on the tv, so bear was content watching the show, and occasionally blue would setlle enough to watch some show as well. Whenever nurse ann moved the wand to a new location on Ayla's tiny chest, cupcake would whimper or scream. I laid next to her on the itty bitty cot and tried to comfort the fears and tears. Stressful.

Thankfully, nurse ann determined to wrap things up as quickly as possible, so the echo lasted maybe half an hour. As we were checking out, the boys sneaked some more stickers in their plckets and i bumped into a nurse that previously worked at dr lunds office. Comforting to see a familiar place in that place. 

Soon we were back locked and loaded in the comfort of our messy van. As i started the show, i took a minute to thank god we were finished for now and dealing only with some residual kawasaki symptoms of which he is in total control. A few more deep breaths and i searched for the parking ticket, our way out. Well, bad news. Somehow between ramp 3 and floor 10, i lost that miniscule piece of paper. So i humbly called for help and the attendent graciously allowed me to pass. During our stay at helen devos, brad often struggled with the departure portion of the parking garage area and i would giggle and think that silly. Turns out, it is a real problem for us both. 

The afternoon included craziness and bouncing and exhasution. about a week later, we went back to dr lunds office for a diagnosis of hand foot and mouth disease. during that super fun adventure, we learned that ayla's echo came back completely normal. Praise the lord! We have another echo scheduled for for december. Until then, the aspirin regiment continues.