the burn victim

this seriously makes my stomach turn to even write. 

our memorial day started off beautifullly with a parade and candy and a family lunch at my sister's.  the adorables scarfed their hot dogs down quick and then preceded to go downstairs to play.  i was just getting out the cookies and cream trifle i brought for dessert when i heard a really bad cry coming from downstairs. 

ayla jo was screaming and my heart stopped.  i ran down the steps to find the boys frantically trying to turn off the treadmill she was stuck under.  her hands were caught in bottom of the treadmill, between the tread and the plastic part the treadmill sits on.  i panicked and pulled at her hands but they were very much stuck.  i stopped the treadmill and tried again to wrench her hands free. 

they came out, but were badly injured.  her left hand had burns on three fingers, and her right hand was shaved down to the bone.  worst feeling ever.  we tried to calm her down but she was in unbearable pain. a quick peek assured everyone we needed to go to the emergency room.  brad sped faster than ever before as i cried alongside my baby in the back.  cupcake was writhing in pain, gagging and hysterical. 

we arrived soon and the dr's promptly assessed the damage, administered some lortab elixir (liquid vicodin) and wrapped my daughters hands up to her upper arm.  then we had x rays to confirm that no bones were broken.  brad and i were so proud of our prinpress, and so broken that her injuries were so severe.  as we waited to hear from the burn clinic, as her owies were considered third degree burns, i cried out of guilt for allowing that to happen and sorrow that this will be a long process of healing taking away lots of her favorite activities linvolving sand and water and fear of how this will affect her longterm in terms of scarring and range of motion in her hands.

just as i was soaking my 5th paper towel with tears, and cupcake was fully in her semi-drunken state due to the meds telling us we need to get back to auntie beans and uncle austin, the dr walked back in with the discharge instructions to keep her burns wrapped and report to the burn clinic when the opened on wed.  we celebrated the fact that the regional clinic was in gr and i did not have to travel to detriot, but lamented the 2 day wait for an appointment.  we left feeling grateful our daughter had no broken fingers or missing fingers and a huge weight of caring responsibley for our burned baby. 

i called my fam while brad picked up the perscriptions and managed to communicate a bit through my tears.  i also called jessica klein because i needed some mama love.  the next two days were full of pain and frustration in keeping aylaroo bandaged and content.  i relied a lot on my little pony movies and mostly on the strength of the lord.  i carried my bible everywhere as i constantly tried to assure ayla jo was as comfortable as possible.  satan began an intense attack on my thoughts, waking me in the night with fears of infection and amputation. 

i burst into tears whenever we went anywhere, like to pick max up from school and everyone asked what happened to my little girl and i had to tell them.  that came in handy when a grandma at sandy view mentioned she used to wrap all kinds of burns in the er when she worked as a nurse.  5 minutes later she was at my kitchen table assisting the hysterical little love with her bandages.  ayla adapted quite well, sucking her food in like a vacuum so i did not need to feed her each bite.

i so badly wanted to utilize this terrible injury to teach ayla she can overcome huge and painful setbacks because jesus is on her side.  but i found myself overwhelmed and exhausted.  when wednesday finally arrived, brad and i set out for the burn clinic.  i told brad i wanted to pray before we went inside, but couldnt find words so he prayed over ayla and the situation. 
we were so impressed at the clinic.  one nurse's entire job was to entertain ayla jo and help her understand what was happening.  the room filled quickly with a dr, an occupational therapist, a nurse to change the dressings and a nurse translating everything for us.  dr lovell was quite sure no skin grafting was necessary.  hallelujah.  he assured us hands heal super fast and ayla's age will work in her advantage.  the nurses carefully taught us how to care for our prinpress and sent us on our way equipped.  what a beautiful feeling. 

i even had time to make it to maxer's celebration of learning at kindergarten.  adorable.

saturday night, bear bear had a bad spill on his bike resulting in his handlebars falling right on top of his big toe and cracking his nail.  ouch.  he was super upset.  brad took him inside to comfort him and bear told brad that his injury was much worse than ayla's because he cried a lot louder and that is how you tell.  clearly, he has not been getting enuf attention...

since wednesday, we have been back to the clinic once more.  her hands are healing.  we are so grateful and recognize the work of the great physician in our lives.  ayla jo is still all wrapped up but is not letting that get her down.  during bathtime and dressing change last night brad and i had tears in our eyes seeing the progress.  ayla said "uh huh!  jesus been helping me!" yes He has.

whenever ayla needs her wraps changed she is terrified.  now i can hear her saying jesus over and over, mimicking the prayer i uttered in the emergency room when all i could do was call on his name.  for there is power in that name, and he is enough.

this week, of the 15 meals i ate, i had one sitting down. 

and that was at vitales while supporting team elliot.  i took the three adorables alone out to dinner.  i thought it would be such a beautiful way to buy dinner and support the fundraising efforts of team elliot.  well, it went really good for 5 minutes.  then ayla jo had to pee.  i left the boys in the booth, knowng the leegwaters were within touching distance if one or both boys needed the heimlich manuever during the three minutes i would be gone at the potty.  when i returned, both our waitress and the restaraunt manager/owner stood at my table, food in their hands, looking bewilderdly about them trying to locate a parent.  i apologized and distributed the food, took a bite, and then the boys realized they had to pee.  off we go. again.

so not exactly relaxing, though way better having someone else make and clean up the food.

bradley was farming in hear gear all week.  so i was mothering in high gear.  every need, every want, every whine, was directed solely to me. 

there was thirst. and hunger. and hot. and cold. and tired. and spills. and sandyview marathon volunteering.  and trips to and from school. and a parade. and some babysitting. and overtired. and dinner deliveries for the farmer. and rides for the adorables. and fights.

so i scarfed my meals in between cleaning up spills, making food for the fam, and hunting down items the adorables decided they suddenly needed to survive.  a bite here, a wipe there.  a bite here, and band aid there.  a bite here, a buckle there.  so not my style.

brad came home every night eventually.  i was always asleep.  really hard.  i would notice a response to the note i wrote him the night before and ussually acknowledge his presence in the bed when i woke up in the night.  but really, minimal conversation and interaction. 

and things went really great.  the fam was happy and healthy. 
but parenting solo is a big challenge for me. i need lots of affirmation.  like beyond needy.  embarassingly so. 

example:  while spreading bark this spring.  it took all my willpower not to ask brad how it looked so he would respond something like "wow, it looks so wonderful! you are such an incredible spreader babe. and you are really pretty."  that lasted like 1/2 an hour and then i couldnt help it, and asked him if i was doing a good job.  he answered "yep"

when it comes to being a mom, i am a strange combo of fiercely independent and crazy insecure.  i want to do everything without help, on my own, but i want the assurance i am doing it well.  thats the result of being raised in my less than ideal circumstances. 

i have reached the place that i am not so angry at my mom.  i really realize and know how very much she does not want this life.  she never held her babies dreaming of the day when only two will talk to her rarely.  however, i am still very very wounded by mom.  she did not exemplify how to love her children well.  she does not affirm me and my place as a mom.  she did not pave a way for me to learn how to mom.  she left me, all of us, to figure out how to exist while she fought her own demons.  so tragic. 

having my own beautiful babes is so redeeming, and so awesome, and so scary.  i am terrified of doing it wrong.  i lay awake with guilt that we did not do devotions last night.  i cry in the shower because i snapped at max for spilling kool aid (again) after i just reminded him to please be careful.  i physically hurt when the day has gone so fast and i will not get it back and what if i really did not cherish my children so that they knew how very much i loved them and now i wont get today back. 

here is the most beautiful part of motherhood, the grace and mercy that made me a mama, will make me the mama my adorables need.  jesus is enough.  i am not, and that is so freeing.  i am not in this alone.  my savior, who provides my every single need every single time, is the one giving me the grace when i fail and the strength to rise up to meet the needs of the blessings he gave me.  this love that god has for me allows me to freely and wholly love my littles.  thank you jesus for this gift.

all my days are mother's days.  for every day i am a mommy.  and celebrated, whether with a "i like to move it move it" card from my kids or with the sweet provisions of grace from my lord.