this week, of the 15 meals i ate, i had one sitting down. 

and that was at vitales while supporting team elliot.  i took the three adorables alone out to dinner.  i thought it would be such a beautiful way to buy dinner and support the fundraising efforts of team elliot.  well, it went really good for 5 minutes.  then ayla jo had to pee.  i left the boys in the booth, knowng the leegwaters were within touching distance if one or both boys needed the heimlich manuever during the three minutes i would be gone at the potty.  when i returned, both our waitress and the restaraunt manager/owner stood at my table, food in their hands, looking bewilderdly about them trying to locate a parent.  i apologized and distributed the food, took a bite, and then the boys realized they had to pee.  off we go. again.

so not exactly relaxing, though way better having someone else make and clean up the food.

bradley was farming in hear gear all week.  so i was mothering in high gear.  every need, every want, every whine, was directed solely to me. 

there was thirst. and hunger. and hot. and cold. and tired. and spills. and sandyview marathon volunteering.  and trips to and from school. and a parade. and some babysitting. and overtired. and dinner deliveries for the farmer. and rides for the adorables. and fights.

so i scarfed my meals in between cleaning up spills, making food for the fam, and hunting down items the adorables decided they suddenly needed to survive.  a bite here, a wipe there.  a bite here, and band aid there.  a bite here, a buckle there.  so not my style.

brad came home every night eventually.  i was always asleep.  really hard.  i would notice a response to the note i wrote him the night before and ussually acknowledge his presence in the bed when i woke up in the night.  but really, minimal conversation and interaction. 

and things went really great.  the fam was happy and healthy. 
but parenting solo is a big challenge for me. i need lots of affirmation.  like beyond needy.  embarassingly so. 

example:  while spreading bark this spring.  it took all my willpower not to ask brad how it looked so he would respond something like "wow, it looks so wonderful! you are such an incredible spreader babe. and you are really pretty."  that lasted like 1/2 an hour and then i couldnt help it, and asked him if i was doing a good job.  he answered "yep"

when it comes to being a mom, i am a strange combo of fiercely independent and crazy insecure.  i want to do everything without help, on my own, but i want the assurance i am doing it well.  thats the result of being raised in my less than ideal circumstances. 

i have reached the place that i am not so angry at my mom.  i really realize and know how very much she does not want this life.  she never held her babies dreaming of the day when only two will talk to her rarely.  however, i am still very very wounded by mom.  she did not exemplify how to love her children well.  she does not affirm me and my place as a mom.  she did not pave a way for me to learn how to mom.  she left me, all of us, to figure out how to exist while she fought her own demons.  so tragic. 

having my own beautiful babes is so redeeming, and so awesome, and so scary.  i am terrified of doing it wrong.  i lay awake with guilt that we did not do devotions last night.  i cry in the shower because i snapped at max for spilling kool aid (again) after i just reminded him to please be careful.  i physically hurt when the day has gone so fast and i will not get it back and what if i really did not cherish my children so that they knew how very much i loved them and now i wont get today back. 

here is the most beautiful part of motherhood, the grace and mercy that made me a mama, will make me the mama my adorables need.  jesus is enough.  i am not, and that is so freeing.  i am not in this alone.  my savior, who provides my every single need every single time, is the one giving me the grace when i fail and the strength to rise up to meet the needs of the blessings he gave me.  this love that god has for me allows me to freely and wholly love my littles.  thank you jesus for this gift.

all my days are mother's days.  for every day i am a mommy.  and celebrated, whether with a "i like to move it move it" card from my kids or with the sweet provisions of grace from my lord.