24 hours

one day does not contain enough time for me to get done all i want/need/desire to do. i cannot pack all the working, cooking, cleaning, playing, sleeping, reading, conversing, and loving in despite my best efforts. there. i said it. there is really no use pretending i am on top of these things because i am so not. and i am mostly fine with this reality.

for regretting my decisions to venture to the beach instead of make dinner only makes matters worse, taking away the pure bliss from the beach outing and leaving any meal ideas far less acceptable when measured against what i should have done. these days go so fast. and i easily fall into the trap of mom guilt for not reading aloud for 20 minutes, wife guilt for digging through a pile of laundry on the bedroom floor in an effort to find clothes for brad to wear, employee guilt for only getting into stow once this week, and straight up all encompassing guilt for sneaking in a quick novel when my list of to-do's overflows pages after page.

instead of pondering the shoulds, coulds, woulds of these beautiful days i have determined to soak them up, taking what i am given and fully embracing it all. adoring the morning snuggles and cuddles and being grateful for a grandma who can love on the kids when i am working. this was such a work day that i left the house without a good morning from the baby who was still sleeping. i knew the choice before me was to sulk for not getting some ayla jo time this morning or to rejoice in the fact that grandma is getting a tiny break from having all three all the time this morn.

when i returned home from workies, i overlooked the breakfast and lunch dishes (and dinner dishes from last nights schoonveld meiste reunion). i sat at the table with my baby girl in my lap and my sons on either side. i grabbed a crayon from the thousands strewn across the table and proceeded to join in the leaf rubbings going on. after we all grew bored of that activity, i rocked the cupcake to nap and whisked the boys outside to find the combine with our all time fave farmer at the wheel.

maxer and weston were not that thrilled to ride. just kidding, they truly could not contain their excitement. day after day they ride, sometimes together, sometimes separate. i ask brad about their conversations and he relates that bear always asks what certain things "doos" and maxer just rides contentedly along.

with his face full of concentration and his cab filled with family, bradley.

grandma got to reminisce about days of old when she farmed this land. brad got to demonstrate his farming knowledge in his mommy's presence. the boys got to witness this beautiful mother/son love with their dad and grandma. and i got to soak it all up.

not a lot of room in the combine cab. so this is an amazing shot of my armpit and my son.

10nope. i cannot do it all. but i give all to what i do. and thank the lord for his mercies that are new every morning and his grace that uses my broken vessel to bless my fam with his love.

aylaroo's first steps

she's a toddler.

in a moment, my baby girl became a walker. and even though she was months and months behind her brothers in acheiving this great feat, it still seemed far too soon.

one glance at the precious elation on her sweet little face and all growing pain is erased, leaving behind joyful celebration.

jesus, may you walk with her on the path you have so lovingly laid before ayla jo. may her steps lead her to your throne. may her journey bring glory to your awesome name. protect and guide those beautiful feet.

rub a dub dub

tuesday, another day of school ahead for my oldest, and some special time planned between bear and grandma lampen. add to that the fact that the boys assisted brad in some manure hauling the night before and we have plenty of reasons for a bath. the boys, however, were not as easily convinced. truth be told, they were not dirty, but remember those kids in school who lived on a farm and kinda smelled like it? yeah, me too. i do not want that for my kid. so to the tub we go.

tubs always provide ample entertainment for ayla jo, so i allowed the giggles to ensue and took advantage of that time to pick up breakfast. suddenly the laughter escalated and shouting joined the cacophony of noises. when i rushed over to the scene, this is what i found.

fully jammied, baby blue climbed herself right into the water with her brothers.

it actually worked out super. this way her clothes got clean and so did she.

just kidding.

fall

this season has some of the best combos ever

soccer and saturdays

coffee and morning

tractor rides and boys

cozy socks and crocs

candy corn and peanuts

jeans and hoodies

hot and apple cider

colors and crisp

apple and everything

pumpkin and yum

we intend to enjoy it all this fall.

sturgeon

after another victory for the silver team, a game in which max had a breakaway in the wrong direction, we regrouped at home over donuts and booked grandma and grandpa lampen some tickets home for christmas. our objective accomplished, brad and i decided to take the family for some free fun at the sturgeon release at the new richmond bridge. have you ever seen a sturgeon becuase it is a mix of dinosaur fish, gross, and creepy. brad discovered this exciting event while reading the flashes last week and we were hooked. (fishing pun definitely intended)

being the prepared mom that i am, i looked online to make sure we would not miss the festivities and noted the excitement was scheduled from 10-2. unfortunately, i failed to notice the fact that the fishing and sturgeon release ended at 12 and that was really the only goings on. so when we rolled in at 12:30 to masses of people walking back to their vehicles, i was a little concerned. thankfully, those sturgeon were not real eager to explore their new habitat, so some random little girl caught one for us to investigate up close and personally.

we walked off our adrenaline rush and headed over to the bridge area. brad told me the history behind this area that was a little village once upon a time but is now well, nothing really. during this lesson, a band struck up some jazz music and we started to overhear talk of the bridge turning. brad and i quickly deduced these peeps were crazy, the bridge was connected and boardwalked. yet the bridge did in fact swing out and move while that band played on. wowsa. we did not wait around for out turn to ride as the kids were getting restless and there was gossip about a free meal back by the sturgeon beach area.

not willing to pass up a free meal, we got in line and entertained the people behind us with our adorable peeking baby and whiny boys. chili was on the menu and tho it looked amazing, it tasted awful. like brad could not even eat it awful. we kept trying to get mostly spoonfulls of crackers and cheese and just a smogely of chili but even that was disgusting. the chili was boiling, literally, before they served it and apparently it was overcooked by far.

so we filled up on the cornbread and took in a sight of native americans performing some ritual over the river involving a chant, some smoke, and what appeared to be a plate of chili and goldfish but really was some ceremonial stuff. interesting. not sure how they like my boys attempting to spear the lingering sturgeon with sticks and us parentals repeatedly asking then demanding then shouting that they stop.

not the experience we were expecting, but a beautifully pleasant way to spend an autumn afternoon enjoying creation and kids.

schooled

praise the lord!

maxer bravely accomplished day one of preschool. literally, not one tear was shed. i was amazed as even his first soccer game was preceded with tears of confusion and fear. not so with preschool: he was ready.

over our poptart breakfast, we discussed what school would involve, circle time, the same bible story we did for devotions that day, some playtime, etc. maxwell accepted this info with a composed attitude and asked if he could watch a show. i indulged.

after the show, we played outside, shot some hoops and had a picnic lunch. then we frantically threw somewhat acceptable clothes on the younger ones and decked maxer out in a handsome ensemble i had picked for the occasion. i went for the confident, farmeresque, blue jean look and i think he achieved it perfectly.

we all washed our hands in the bathroom, preschool protocol, and waited patiently for the teachers to open the doors to learning (the classroom). we marched in together, max found some blocks and began to play. i said goodbye and announced my love for him again and he responded

bye mom

and then we left. wes cried because he wanted to stay by his bruvver. i had previously assured maxwell that i would be waiting in the veen for him. and i did, but i went home first for a bit to clean up the picnic, read some stories alone to bear, and bathe weston after his tractor ride with daddy. i whipped together some things for supper and packed up the veen with half an hour to spare before max was done.

as we sat in the veen awaiting three oclock, i thanked the lord once again for his faithfulness in bringing peace into this potentially stressful situation. when i glimpsed maxer through the door of his classroom, he smiled a sweetly brave and proud smile of accomplishment. adorable. he waited patiently until his name was called then ran right into my waiting arms. actually just one arm as i was holding ayla jo in the other.

once we were in the veen, maxwell was rewarded with a present; some john deere decals for his room. he was more excited about the tiny catalog of available toys that came along with the decals, but he was happy nonetheless. upon returning home, we discovered daddy haulin some manure. so maxer got to ride and discuss the cute girls in his class.

god is faithful and maxwell is schooled. praying for an equally smooth school day today in which i actually remember to sign him in and out. maxwell will be better equipped as well now that he has his very own big lots backpack to take along. i know, fancy.

endings and beginnings

preschool starts tomorrow for my firstborn.

i am in shock despite having had almost 5 years to prepare for this moment. last night, my heart was heavy. i am sending my son, my precious firstborn little boy, out on his own without me. this cherished child, this boy who stole my heart the instant he was born. this miracle who has the most engaging giggle when he is being a little naughty. this adorable kid, tenderhearted and thoughtful, sweet and silly. this future farmer well schooled in the way of tractors and implements and fieldwork. this incredible golfer, with his consistent shot and contagious smile.

maxwell's teachers are super sweet and super capable. but, they did not devote countless sleepless nights to rocking baby maxer when he was ill. they did not anticipate his first smile, giggle, tooth, word, steps with a near painful overwhelming delight, then praise the lord for his beautiful faithfulness when he reached each milestone. they do not know that max is fearful of the unknown, fiercely loyal to his fam, and still likes his milk warmed up. they have not snuggled him near, scratched his back and sung him lullaby after lullaby every night of his sweet little life except two. they have not prayed fervently for protection, blessing, and a life of glorifying god over maxwell alan meiste.

i have.

well here i am. with a preschooler ready to learn. a son who will no doubt benefit from structure and activity geared solely for his advantage. a little boy apprehensive about what is to come, but fully able to engage in school.

here i am with a god who will carry us both. a god who knitted maxer together in my womb who has never left his side. who sings over max continuously with the grace and peace to empower maxwell to overcome anything in his name. a god who knows the plans he has for maxwell, plans to prosper max and not to harm him. a god who is god of all gods, lord of all lords yet remains intimately aware of every beat of max's heart and every thought in his head.

a god who blessed me with a child and with the grace to let him go... even if it is just to preschool.

so tomorrow, i will rejoice that my son has reached this place. i will provide an environment where it is safe for maxer to courageously move forward alone, with all the support, encouragement and love a mommy can give while he is gone, and when he returns home. rather than mourn the loss of a baby and toddler, i will celebrate the blessing of a preschooler.

thank you jesus. it is in your name and with your power i embrace the glorious day before me.