endings and beginnings

preschool starts tomorrow for my firstborn.

i am in shock despite having had almost 5 years to prepare for this moment. last night, my heart was heavy. i am sending my son, my precious firstborn little boy, out on his own without me. this cherished child, this boy who stole my heart the instant he was born. this miracle who has the most engaging giggle when he is being a little naughty. this adorable kid, tenderhearted and thoughtful, sweet and silly. this future farmer well schooled in the way of tractors and implements and fieldwork. this incredible golfer, with his consistent shot and contagious smile.

maxwell's teachers are super sweet and super capable. but, they did not devote countless sleepless nights to rocking baby maxer when he was ill. they did not anticipate his first smile, giggle, tooth, word, steps with a near painful overwhelming delight, then praise the lord for his beautiful faithfulness when he reached each milestone. they do not know that max is fearful of the unknown, fiercely loyal to his fam, and still likes his milk warmed up. they have not snuggled him near, scratched his back and sung him lullaby after lullaby every night of his sweet little life except two. they have not prayed fervently for protection, blessing, and a life of glorifying god over maxwell alan meiste.

i have.

well here i am. with a preschooler ready to learn. a son who will no doubt benefit from structure and activity geared solely for his advantage. a little boy apprehensive about what is to come, but fully able to engage in school.

here i am with a god who will carry us both. a god who knitted maxer together in my womb who has never left his side. who sings over max continuously with the grace and peace to empower maxwell to overcome anything in his name. a god who knows the plans he has for maxwell, plans to prosper max and not to harm him. a god who is god of all gods, lord of all lords yet remains intimately aware of every beat of max's heart and every thought in his head.

a god who blessed me with a child and with the grace to let him go... even if it is just to preschool.

so tomorrow, i will rejoice that my son has reached this place. i will provide an environment where it is safe for maxer to courageously move forward alone, with all the support, encouragement and love a mommy can give while he is gone, and when he returns home. rather than mourn the loss of a baby and toddler, i will celebrate the blessing of a preschooler.

thank you jesus. it is in your name and with your power i embrace the glorious day before me.